This slave: More Akin to Me

Today, it rained off and on as it has been doing since Summer faded to Autumn. As the Gods poured buckets on my head, I spotted a woman carrying far too many things, with no cloak. I'm not sure why, but I felt a pang of sympathy for her and offered to carry some of her things for her.

I spent the rest of the day with Kiana, following her about and watching what she did. We eventually met up with her slave, Felcor, and I have to admit, hearing him call her Mistress struck a chord in me, making me miss Master all the more.

Felcor is nice, but when Miss Kiana dismissed us for dinner, I...slipped up. It's not entirely my fault! Seventeen years without a name, nineteen years without me, mine, I...I was not a person. I was not a person except in my head! My speech is practiced, and even four years of being on my own, it is hard to curb my tongue to pretend to be normal...

So Felcor knows I was a slave, am a slave in my mind, will be a slave again...probably soon. I hope soon. Even Miss Kiana seems nice, and I am not overly fond of women. In fact, I saw that awful lady, Orabelle, for the first time in years and I had to resist the urge to bolt. The brand on my thigh burned anew and the indignation of her coaxing me softly to spread my legs for her in the bath....I do not like that woman.

I simply wish to be in Master's arms again. This is too much for me. This world is too large, and while I try to make it smaller, it seems only to grow. Oh Master, why did you have to die? I miss you so...

This slave: Wretched Freedom

I couldn't bare to write in here for the longest time.

It stayed in the little bag at my waist with my quill and my ink while I enjoyed a brief stay with the couple Mistress Wendiharan sold me to.

That was so very long ago. I'm so very removed from the time when two consecutive Masters died and my Mistresses did not want me. I sold my dress, my collar, my leash to survive. I did not know what else to do. I do not know what else to do. I have scraped by, barely, and I have learned not to be seen. I am small, and when I am dirty as I often am, they barely notice me. I am afraid to go into the Square, near the baths. I am afraid of the men in the baths, their leers and the women's glares. The few times I have tried, the idle remarks and the general unfriendliness has caused me tears, which...is very embarrassing. I do not do it often.

It is difficult to get things to eat, but I mend things, and I can cook a little bit. The people in the alleyways are grateful for someone who can read them things and mend their tents, but most of them are very unkind. I tried for a little while to be a whore, but I was so ashamed after the first week that I just gave up. Besides, some were questioning the brand on my thigh.

I have decided: Freedom is ridiculous. Once a slave, always a slave. The Tyeni have it right, and I was not made for this scraping, grasping wretched life outside of bonds. I will turn myself in, and they will deal the cards accordingly.

This slave: Crushed.

[the handwriting of this entry is very shaky]

Mistress is still gone.
I never see Jake.
Frederick left...

All this I could handle, honestly I could...but...
I cannot handle this.

Master...is dead.

[tears stain the page here, and the shaky handwriting becomes nothing more than scribbles. Some of them can be identified, but for the most part, it is just desperate, unintelligible ramblings...until]

NO!
It wasn't good. He wasn't happy.
But now he's...dead.

By Melchior and Elbahn,
I miss him already.

This slave: Silver on Ebony

Master needs me.

It's as simple as that.

You see, last night when I came home he was just sitting on the couch, staring at the ceiling. At first I thought he was sleeping, and while it's very unusual for him to nap, I wrote it off as just Master being tired. But then he called me over, saying to get naked first. Understandable; I was sopping wet from the rain.

I shed my clothing and went over to the couch and we spoke. Master was very upset, very very sad. It hurt me to see him hurt. He told me I would be sleeping in his bed from now on. He said he didn't want to be lonely. When I asked what was wrong, he told me Mistress was not coming home for a long time, that a "bad man" had taken her away...and he cried. It ripped my heart in half to see Master cry! I held him close and told him not to, that it would be okay and he laughed that kind of hopeless laugh that I've heard so many times from other slaves and then...kissed me.

Master never kisses me.

No, you have to understand this: Master Never Kisses Me.

The most I've ever gotten from Master was a pat on the head. He's affectionate and caring and kind, but Master never kisses me and he is never loving. I am a slave, I am an object, I can be sold and forgotten, and therefore not worth loving in Tyeni eyes...but Master kissed me.

It was...so amazing. I was allowed to wrap my arms around him, to kiss back, and he didn't pull back. He didn't pull back. He just let me kiss back as he kissed me and he held me close like Guy used to, holding me to him like he would cry again if he let go. It nearly made me cry!

Then he said it was time for bed and he didn't lead me by my collar or anything, he just expected me to follow, so I did. Instinctively, I moved for the foot of the bed. When I'm allowed on the bed, it is for worshiping or I get to sleep at the foot of his bed...But he scooted over to one side of the bed and told me to lay next to him, so of course I crawled over and tentatively laid myself down beside him. He wrapped his arms around me and said goodnight.

I snuggled close and I remember my heart pounding, blushing like a fool, and telling him in an undertone that I love him. I had not meant for him to hear it! I had not even planned on saying it aloud!....But he heard me, and asked me to repeat myself, so I did and he laughed.

He kissed my forehead and told me that he loved me as well, just not as he loved Mistress. Understandable, I said. I thought, well of course he doesn't love me as he loves her. I am but a child to him on a good day, a slave and nothing more at all times.

So I slept...in Master's bed...with Master's strong, dark arms around me...and it was weird...but absolutely, amazingly wonderful...

This slave: Nothing Out of the Ordinary

[Several entries litter the little book before this one about how she loves her Master or how boring cooking/cleaning is. None of them are dated and all of them are short, but it seems she keeps it on a daily basis. Quite a few bemoan how Jake is never around anymore, and several say how she is coming to do something other than hate her Mistress. It seems she keeps busy with menial chores and missing her Master when he is away. She seems to have pretty much forgotten strife, save for her little misadventures with the head cook at the Crystal Lyon.]

This slave: Finding Myself Swayed

As is usual, the cook decided he didn't want me about today and so I opted to wander about the part of the city I felt safe in. On North Market Street I ran into someone rather unexpected...the kind axeman, Garrach. I was not expected home for some time and he offered to go somewhere and talk...and I had not talked with anyone for a long time...Jake never seemed to have time for me as of late and Mistress...well Mistress is just not good company.

Garrach took me to Cymur's Flames and together we talked of many things. At first he and I simply talked of ourselves. He seems to like it when I talk of Guy...says the slave in me goes away, which is just downright silly, for I have always been a slave; how can I be anything else?

He also...asked me to bed Master all the more, to help Mistress...And while, I am rue to help /her/, I will do it for Garrach...and my growing love of Elbahn. That was not the only thing he offered as conversation topics...he also wishes to see me freed...and honestly? I don't know...At first I balked at the idea. Absolutely no way in all the Dark-covered world! I thought. But...

After last night...with Jake...I began to think. Maybe...maybe being freed would not be so bad...I would be able to choose my own lovers and I would not have to listen to anyone I did not want to listen to...I could spend my time as I wanted and not in that wretched kitchen...

I think that being able to choose whose bed I shared would be the best of all of it...and not having to be home at a certain time. I found myself smiled upon by Elbahn as Jake and I worshiped in the living room...Thank Elbahn we were not walked in on! Master would have punished me and probably Jake as well.

Elbahn smiles on me...Thank the Gods.

This slave: A Frightening Idea

I cannot believe I lost this during the move to the new house. What if Master had found it?! That would have been a terrible disaster, should it had occurred...Master...I do not think Master understands me.

We moved right after the plague. It was kind of scary during the time of the sickness, for Master wasn't about and neither was Frederick. Mistress wouldn't allow Jake out of the house and so...Well, I just stayed out of the way.

After the plague was over and I was allowed to leave the house again, Master began speaking of buying a tavern, and he has and now I cook there from time to time. It is frightening; there are many people who want many things and I get overwhelmed. Once I even froze up and the main cook shouted at me, so I left. I reason it is better to stay out of the way and neglect my duties than stay there and be a bother.

I find I feel more and more like a bother as time passes, as I do nothing and all the city is busy with everything; with problems and work and relationships and politics. On and on life goes about me and I find myself lost in it's swirling colors and very frightened...

For instance, I was to get something for Master Vasteel a few mornings ago. He did not feel like going, or was busy or something of the sort and so I was sent out...and I got lost. We had just moved and I found myself in the refugee district, lost and...okay, I admit, crying. I was so frightened! There were people shouting and rats everywhere and many of the men I passed leered and one even tried to convince me to come within his dwelling...I ran as fast as I could and bumped into an old woman, nearly knocking her down. She saw I was crying and asked what was wrong and she helped me find Military Way. I thanked her and asked Melchior and Elbahn to bless the kind woman before running at top speed to the Dragon, hoping against hope that Master would be there....

To no avail.

Master was not at the Dragon, and so I wandered about, feeling safer, but still frightened until I saw the man! Yes, the gargantuan blue man with the axe just as large! The man with the kind eyes who Master and Mistress had frowned at...By Elbahn's Smile, he seems like Guy....

And there was a Constable! A Constable who serves under Master! This would surely be my ticket home, no?

Of course not.
Constable Beos would not even save me a second glance and the kind axeman was simply too busy to care about a short, crying slave of a man he apparently disliked. Luckily, Master Vasteel came into the Inn and I was so relieved that I found myself at his knees, hugging him and sobbing. Master didn't like this, but allowed it because I am "Only a Slave."...I let it pass, biting my tongue. His wife is just as irrational as I am at times...why does he think that being frightened is simply the emotion of a slave?


No matter, for Master took me outside and we were going to go home...until he began fighting with the axeman. He even drew his rapiers and threatened him and said stupid things fueled by anger. I was at my wit's end and I dropped to the ground and sobbed.

The axeman, who's name was apparently Garrach, said some terrible things and after Master gave in and left, obviously defeated (though I doubt he saw it that way), he asked me to go back and get an apology from Garrach. Get an apology from that giant of a man?! The very idea frightened me, but Master asked it of me...So I obliged. All I had to do was simply speak the man's name and he apologized, but then, he did something strange. He told me not to call him Mister, as I do with everyone, even Jake. And he engaged me in conversation and asked if I had time to talk. I did not at the time, and he nodded, understanding, and asked for me to seek him out should I ever have the time...

What an interesting proposition.